The Yearly Marriage Checkup

You know how important regular maintenance is if you own a vehicle. You don't wait for your car to break down before you get it serviced. Instead, you have the oil changed, tires rotated, and filters replaced. This maintenance is time-consuming and expensive, but it will keep your vehicle running smoothly and extend its life. It also helps you to avoid costly breakdowns.

Why not maintain your marriage with the same level of care and attention you give to your car?

Research shows that even the most happy couples can benefit from proactive care. Clinical psychologist James Cordova developed a "Marriage Checkup", a one-time-per-year program that helps couples remain connected and resilient. The Marriage Checkup has been proven to increase marriage satisfaction, foster emotional acceptance and reduce relationship distress. Its benefits can last up to two year. The Marriage Checkup celebrates marriage successes and looks for ways to improve the marriage before things go wrong.

Cordova guides readers through a relationship review in The Marriage Checkup: a Scientific Program for Sustaining & Strengthening Marriage Health. The book is primarily aimed at practitioners but couples will benefit from it. I would highly recommend getting a copy. This book is full of useful, practical information. It's one of the best books on marriage I've ever read.

How to prepare and conduct a Marriage Checkup based on Cordova's suggestions.

Check-in before the Checkup

Make it a special occasion by scheduling it. Select a regular month for your marriage checkup. You could do it on your anniversary (or just before), or in January. You could go to a special place for your checkup like a local bed and breakfast. You can block out two hours of uninterrupted time at home if you are short on money or have limited time.

Set ground rules for communication. Set some ground rules for the discussion to keep it productive and positive. One person can speak at a given time. No interrupting. Don't interrupt. Listen if you are the one listening. Do not argue or refute. If necessary, ask clarifying questions. Avoid John Gottman’s Four Horsemen: Criticism, defensiveness and contempt. If you see these interpersonal saboteurs, plan ahead to take a 2-minute break.

Marriage Checkup

Cordova has created a detailed, pages-long questionnaire that couples must fill out prior to meeting with him at the Marriage Checkup he facilitates. This might be too customer service-like or clinical for some couples.

If you are a couple who is doing the Marriage Checkup by themselves, you could get away with discussing informally the areas that Cordova has highlighted in his detailed survey.

Below are conversation-starting questions, based on Cordova's survey, that cover each area explored in his Marriage Checkup. It's okay to create your own questions. You don’t need to ask them all. You're just trying to start a conversation about where you are and where you want to be in your relationship.

Big Picture

What were your biggest successes and challenges in the marriage this year?

Communication

How's our fight? What can we do to make our disagreements more productive and less destructive? Do we argue with each other or get defensive? Do we talk about things that bother us? Are we able to listen and understand one another?

Time Together

Do we spend enough time with each other without the kids around? Should we have more date nights together? What are some rituals to help us connect? What stops us from doing these rituals more often? Do our screens/devices get in the way when we are trying to be present with each other?